The past couple of months have been a little stressful for me. Not just the typical stress of a husband in law school and the busyness of having 2 kids at home. A few months ago I had my annual female exam which came back with poor results, it was a little disconcerting. They suggested I have another routine test because false positives are typical. Three months later I followed my Dr’s instructions and had the same test repeated. They told me that I would hear from them if there was a problem or that I would get the regular card in the mail saying all is well. A couple weeks passed and I had not heard anything so I assumed I was fine. I told my Mom and sister that I must be fine. The next week I got a call from the Dr saying my test was bad again and that I would have to come back in for a more involved test. The diagnosis I had received is one that generally indicates precancerous cells. I was a little panicked to say the least.
I had to wait the week of Thanksgiving before having this follow up test which allowed the Dr to look at the affected area and take biopsies of suspicious areas. I had talked with a friend who pointed out that I am not at all afraid about most things, but this was something that had made me fearful. This was eye opening for me. I thought about the fear I was feeling, not really fear of cancer, but fear of the unknown was a lot for me. Then I began to think, this is where the rubber meets the road for me. Will I tell people to live fearless lives in Christ, and live in fear of what I choose? Or I could choose to live without fear and in essence practice what I preach. So I decided to live the rest of the time in confidence. I had moments of discouragement, but overall remained fairly calm. The night before the test I was alone and began to let my mind get the best of my sense. I was not sobbing on the couch upset, just unnerved.
So this morning as I ran around the house getting children up early to go to their Aunt’s house so I could go get tested. On the drive to the Dr’s I was trying to remain calm.
Once I got there and the test got under way the Dr said I had some unusual cells but nothing problematic. She did not even have to biopsy anything. I am fine physically, but have had to examine my spiritual life.
Even though I knew the answers from Scripture about prayer, faith, God’s sovereignty, God’s goodness, His testing, and the confidence Christians can have in Him, I saw weakness in my faith. I’ve had my faith tested before, but this time it was personal. Cancer is something people cannot control. Most other problems in my life are ones I have some control over, but this was something I was facing that was bigger than me. That is what God wanted me to learn.
I suppose this was one of those lessons I got to learn the easy way this time. Part of me hated to mention this story because I know people who’s diagnosis was the opposite of mine and they are still struggling with disease. I tend to think those people are able to handle more than me. If that person is you, I hope you see God even when it’s hard. Romans tells us that “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” This is a truth from God’s Word, and we can hold onto it tightly when we can’t even think straight.
I hope this story encourages you to live a fearless life in Christ. Take the time to examine your spiritual life before problems arise. However when difficulty comes into your existence, don’t just look for the answer to your immediate need, look deeper into what you need spiritually.
